I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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