Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
