sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
