I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
