I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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