thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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