Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
