You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
