i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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