I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize