my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
