Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
