Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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