I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
