Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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