If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize