If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
