I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
