Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
