a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
