You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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