im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
