she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
