so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
