well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
