You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
