I saw his package. It spoke to me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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