Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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