OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
