u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
