This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
