my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
