I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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