I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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