after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
