She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
