im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
