Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
