seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
