It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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