this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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