I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
