Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
