I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
