Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
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i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
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She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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