My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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