theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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