he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
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The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.