My liver just broke up with me...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
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There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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