She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Even my vagina gasped.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
