I faked an abortion last night.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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