I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You need a sexual gate keeper
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
