Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
