The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
