I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
