i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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