I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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