just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
