I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
