too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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