I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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