He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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