She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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